Letters to… the so supposed… One… Letter to P. Nr 1.

aurora

Finding the One… Not an easy task… Even if… ‘When we truly want something the whole Universe works towards our goal’… Simply to relate, very difficult to experience…

In her continuous attempt to find the One, Leila couldn’t help disappointment, feeling futile and completely helpless… No matter how strongly she wanted a partner and the most simple thing on Earth, like giving and feeling love… This was more and more impossible each day… Whichever world she would be part of, whichever corner of the earth, whatever culture she would try to interfere with… Same result… Same disappointment… Same result…

It’s funny how she read P. She thought to travel to his city and make him a surprise, take the extra step, even if she was a woman… The modern days gave her the confirmation that even a woman should take initiative, be spontaneous, be clear abut what she wanted… and made all the effort to actually get it…

She did want to surprise him… But deep down, her heart, or gut feeling was telling her she would be the one surprised… She would only get the confirmation of the terrible feeling that nothing was there, that she simply meant nothing to this unavailable man, she was a simple distraction, something to occupy his time and make him feel more confident, nurture his ego and make him feel less lonely, less shallow…

It’s very hard to make your way through the World of the Living Dead… The Zombies can’t empathize and are completely incapable of any feelings… Put your heart in their hands and it’ll get blown away… shattered and broken… Yet… Leila knew that, even if that were highly probable to happen… One cannot feel, one cannot be Alive, one cannot love… Unless they allow total vulnerability, unless they open up completely… Life can be strange this way…You cannot live, unless you die, one cannot love, unless you get hurt… The eternal pendulum, once bouncing to happiness and bliss, can only return to the other side with the same power, feeling sadness and pain with the same intensity… That’s why the Illuminated wanted to break the wheel of life and transcend… But not surpassing their feelings, but transcending them…

So Leila decided to transcend the suspense in her life and simply take the trip, meet her man and find out the truth, no matter how painful it would be… Life is movement and she could wait no longer… She wanted to feel, she wanted to know…

So she sat down and wrote a letter to P., a letter to express her feelings, just in case he could not meet her for long enough and just in case she would not have the time to express her feelings…

Here it goes:

‘‘Does a young man, rejected by his first love, declare that love does not exist? The young man says to himself: ‘I’ll find someone better able to understand what I feel. And then I will be happy for the rest of my days.’’

 

Paolo Coelho

 

Look… I think it’s really nice you at least thought to take me away… In a beautiful city and spend a really great time, in comfort, to be spoiled like The Lady I am… as I deserve… for a change… I thought about it and decided to tell you… ‘It’s lovely, but you need this money for your trip, or for your house…’

The truth is… I really feel I can’t be in your new house, I have to somehow hide and get up at ridiculous hours in the morning because of something you’re trying to hide… I don’t feel there is space here, in your house, or in your life…

 

I really want to find someone to appreciate what I’m worth… To spoil me like I deserve, because I’ve never done less for the Ones I loved… Funny enough it ended up with me paying for them in all ways…

The material, the money is the most obvious one, the first that may come to mind… But in the end of the day I’m grateful I was healthy and smart enough to make that money in the first place. Nobody and nothing will ever take that away from me, so I’m confident I make money, I spend money, I lose money, but I can make it all back again.

That’s where my next problem comes… I’ve proven myself in time I can make a lot of money and Anything happen, as long as I have the motivation, the motor that keeps All Life force running and that is LOVE.

Now, I’ve also spent emotion, feelings… When I spoke about things I’ve paid it also meant a broken heart. A heart broken, then mended, broken again, then pieces glued back…

That’s when the true dynamics comes into action.

I’ve chosen men I felt something from, men I could love, men I took as being alive and men I thought in return could make me happy and alive.

I could have chosen men with a higher potential, that could offer more comfort… But I chose the possibility of being happy instead, I was not afraid of challenges, and willing to make up for whatever it was missing… I’ve suffered frustration when I had to be the one compensating and offer material comfort, as I come from a culture where the woman is feminine, loving and sweet, where she offers all the emotional comfort and the man completes with the material comfort. It’s the natural way any species goes by and I won’t deny I didn’t long for it to be the same for me.

The problem is that I’ve also chosen Emotionally Unavailable men.

I thought I could be strong enough to patiently compensate for everything, to suffer, wait, cover them with trust, love and slowly mend the broken pieces… I took it as a challenge, like a personal way to prove the world is full of love, or better… proving that Santa Claus exists…

I guess I don’t need to explain how that ended…

The truth is:

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’

So… I won’t ask you for any more explanations, I won’t ask you when you’re coming to see me, when you can be with me… or I won’t even try to look things up anymore and figure where I stand… I respect you, and I truly believe this is the first step in an honest relationship.

But… I won’t find it challenging, mysterious or exciting either…

I’ve spent my life waiting for emotionally unavailable men to see me for who I really am, to see and appreciate my love, my care, my strength… To finally conquer them and feel happy…

The truth is… I just ended up empty, exhausted and broken…

That’s not definitely what love is, or how its wonderful magic should unveil itself.

Now, I am fully aware we only know each other for a short time, and it’s difficult to assess one’s value or worth… But I’m confident you have the language skills and intelligence to understand what I say… So I’m writing this…

I’m also too mature to play ‘citadel climbing’ or games in my personal, most intimate life anymore.

I stand here before you… and show you who I truly am, naked in mind, body and soul.

That’s because I’m not the very least ashamed of the woman I’ve become, because I really have nothing left to lose and because being true to myself is the only path I see.

 

I am aware I can come across as crazy, unattractive, or even scary… But this is who I truly am.

I’m looking for a partner, an equal, someone to appreciate my value, to accept me, to inspire me and to help me grow.

So… I feel you could be that person.

I feel you are:

 

But

active spiritual
Dreamy, creative With a strong grasp of reality
adventurous organized
Willing to conquer me To let yourself be conquered
affectionate masculine
intelligent flexible
calm Awake (not dead to the world)
relaxed Alert and not careless
Passionate, sexual Strong and cerebral
Resourceful, with ideas Protective and masculine

 

This is the list I’ve made with the traits for a partner, which I can grasp to see and feel in you…

I think we can complete each other very well, that we could be compatible and we can grow together… However… I do also feel you are emotionally unavailable. So…

I’ll give you time to think this over and think if I correspond with what you’re looking for.

You have till February to give me an answer and make yourself available for me.

If you want us to be a team and you can see it work, you tell me then.

I have made myself available for you, cleaned up my life and made space for you. If you want to take this place… You let me know.

Now, naturally, I expect the same from you.

– emotional availability

– trust

– revealing yourself to me for who you truly are

– no secrets

– no lies

– willingness to have a functional relationship we both contribute to

 

You have two months because that’s when I need to decide weather I put my money on the course, as another attempt to integrate in a society you belong to, to have a land life, consistency, a real, mutual relationship.

That’s when we start thinking in terms of ‘We’ not only ‘I’.

Of course that doesn’t mean suffocation, or us being together all the time, but that means we give each other a fair chance to see what happens, no games, no lies…

 

Otherwise…

I take my money and go back to my unstable life, but a stable job, where I’ll be too busy to think of any of this or even to think about myself… And after making more money… I can come back, start a business and hope again that Santa Claus exists…

 

So, two months from now, let me know if you’re ready to take the space I offer in my life and whether I have space in yours.

 

If I stay now, I stay to have a relationship with you, to make things work, motivated because I’m sharing mutual interest with someone I could love and could love me back.

 

If I go… I go to a certain job and status and work my ass and brains off to make money to come back and find someone and be happy…

 

I may die lonely… But I’m going to die trying to find love, a partner and being happy…

She felt her heart melt… She did feel naked completely in front of him… Just at the thought of him reading all this… She did feel the risk of being completely ridiculous and pitiful… The risk of showing her vulnerability and being less attractive… Her brain advised her to be smarter and catch him in her witty web… Her heart however told her there is strength in being yourself… That one should Never Ever feel ashamed of whom they’ve become…

So she packed her letter and with a fearful heart embarked to her trip the next morning…

She’s taken many trips in all different parts of the world… She was an experienced traveller indeed… and this was just a few hours trip… Still… She her heart told her she would be disappointed… However she could not listen to her gut feeling… As she was a very cerebral person too and needed confirmation…

The trip was longer than it should have been, due to work on the road she had to change three different means of transport, for a trip that should have only taken one… A two hour’s trip turned into almost four… A language she could not properly understand… People that seemed so distant and so absorbed by their shallow and almost inexistent lives…. Even the weather showed her signs that this was all so wrong… The sky turned depressively grey… It got completely dark in the middle of the day and cold rain was pouring…

Still… She would not listen… Still she would consider these mere superstitions… Still… She would tell herself she is a fighter and she would gladly go through fire and ice to find out the truth…

Funny… The truth was All there… bare and naked… But she wouldn’t accept it… not until she saw the facts….

Finally the trip ended… She arrived at the destination… Her stomach on a knot… And she finally typed the message letting him know she was there… That she decided to surprise him… That she came all this way just to see him, to hold him…

‘ I’m tired of complaint how much I missed you… So I’ve decided to do something about it… I came to see you… I’ve travelled all this way to touch you, to hug you…’ she typed…

No answer… Till twenty minutes later…

‘ Are you serious? Are you really here? I’m in a meeting… Looks like it’s gonna take a couple of hours… I’ll write after’ P. replied.

She was slowly starting to see the facts and see the painful proof that her gut feeling was so right all along…

Yes, she wanted to surprise him and she surprised herself instead….

Needless to say he replied four hours later, with lies and cheap excuses… He didn’t even take five minutes of his time to see her… He even insinuated being out of town and proposed that she goes to one of his acquaintances for the night…

It just got worse and worse.. All her fears did come true, she did receive all the unwanted confirmations this was yet another emotionally unavailable man, another zombie incapable of feeling, happiness or life…

Long story short… Another disappointment… Another broken heart… Another confirmation that it’s just so much better not to be alive and be another zombie, another walking dead, another faceless mannequin, another fallen star…

But then… It’s not the end that matters… it’s the journey…. And… Everything happens for a reason… Even though Leila wish she knew what that reason was… Why she needed to feel so much pain, so much disappointment…

How to possibly stay positive? That’s all she could think after wondering through the city and the rain for hours and hours, tired, wet from the rain, with a broken heart… And now the long journey back home, where she had to change transport means, where she would have to travel through the night and rain with cold strangers by her side… While her family also made up things and turned against her…

Have you ever felt like there is nothing left to lose?

Well… Leila felt this more times in her life than she could remember…

One thought on “Letters to… the so supposed… One… Letter to P. Nr 1.

  1. Pedro

    Thanks for this article. I am a man but reading it feels I read about what exactly happened to me couple of months ago. Still trying to get over it.

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